| now it begins... |
[05 Sep 2005|12:45pm] |
Today is the day. The beginning. The fast. I'm actually really excited. I am banishing my flabulousness forever. I am going to fit into all my old clothes. I am going to be the beautiful girl I once was a couple of years ago, when everyone wanted me or wanted to be me and I could try on any piece of clothing I fancied and look fantastic in it. Oh yes...
Today I am going to wash my car (I drive a 1995 black Beamer...what can I say, I'm a classy bitch, LOL). And finish some art projects I have going and go for a three-mile bike ride with the fiance, and then hmm, try to escape from dinner. My fiance, who I will refer to from now on as Alex since I can't think of a better fake name for him, loves to cook. He cooks healthy meals but I am at the point where I just can't eat anything for now, not until I lose about 20 lbs. Then we can talk about real food again.
He's been with me forever, and he was so very patient with me when I was seriously bulimic back in 2000 and weighed about 100 lbs. He never tried to stop me from binging and purging, he just tried to steer me into being more healthy. Then we broke up for a year and a half and that's when I went hefer again. Now I despise myself so much, I feel so unattractive and I am willing to do anything to look good again. He says that I'm still beautiful and that he doesn't mind at all that I've gained weight, but _I_ mind. I can't stand it. And I know that if I feel like I look better than I'll be happier and then nicer and he'll be happy that I'm happy. Sigh, it's complicated, isn't it. I just want to look gorgeous walking down the aisle with him. That is the goal I will keep in mind when I am fasting. If anyone wants to join me or needs support, I'm on Yahoo messenger: slave_to_mia and I'm usually on from about 6pm onwards. We can do it, the strength is there inside of us.
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[04 Sep 2005|06:05pm] |
So I kicked
but it didn't last
so I kicked and I
tried to fast
But now I am here again. Back where I have been so many times before...hating myself, hating anyone who looks good in her clothes, hating the fact that I gained so much weight after I decided to turn my back on Miss Mia. Ha, first mistake there.
No one here gets out alive. Funny how fitting that line is for this disease.
Yes, it's a disease. Fuck, it will kill you just as soon as cancer would, or hepatitis or ...I don't know...ebola. Yes. It's about as sexy as ebola, isn't it. I don't give a shit.
Take back my health. Take back every step I took in the past four years that I was free from this curse. Take it all back, if I am left with this sizeable coating of fat and flabulousness, I don't want it any longer.
I want to be thin again. I want all heads to turn when I walk in. I want to feel like I am the best-looking out of all of them. Because I know I once was, and will be again. Chubbiness is for grandmothers. Not for this woman on the verge of turning 30. No, not for me. I have no time to contemplate how none of my old clothes fit, remembering how I went from a size 4 to a size 16. I am fed up. Damn the consequences, I am returning to the arms of the bitchgoddess Mia, and damn, it feels right.
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